I actually annoy myself! What the heck is wrong with me? I’ve been whingeing for weeks and weeks about how tired I am and how I would just love to have a day and a night without the kids; so that I can just rest and catch up on all the things I need to do. You know, maybe get my eyebrows done or go for a pedicure, give the house a PROPER clean or even maybe sort out my clothes or my hair (feeling like crusty the clown at the moment – with my stupid triangular curly afro…. I ASKED FOR LAYERS!).
The day that my mum offers to have them BOTH for the night – I can’t do it! I cannot hand my almost 5 month old baby boy over to my own mother. The 2-year-old is fine to go, I’m used to her sleeping over at nan’s from time to time and to be honest; she is the more challenging one to take care of. She has opinions and sh*t.
Anyway, when my mum says “why don’t you just give him to me for the night as well?” I start saying stupid things like:
“Oh well where is he going to sleep? He doesn’t have a cot at yours.” (he could sleep in the bed).
“I haven’t packed his pyjamas. What’s he going to wear?” (knowing full well that there are clothes at my mum’s house).
“What’s he going to drink? There is no formula in the bag.” (there’s a shop across the road.)
All the lame excuses I can think of are pouring out of my mouth and my mum is looking at me like “shut up fool”. The reason that I am coming out with all of this crap is simply because I don’t want him to go!
I am anxious about my first night away from my beautiful baby boy. What if he cries? What if he wants me? What if he needs me or if he gets upset? What if I need him or I get upset?
I just annoy myself because when I came home with him; he started moaning and crying as soon as we got in the door and the first thing I thought to myself was: “I should have left you with your Nan!”
But no. The stupid mummy emotions and separation anxiety got in the way of what could’ve been a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL night of rest and relaxation. So now I’m sitting here with a grumpy baby waiting for him to fall asleep so that I can then clean the house, maybe get myself something to eat and try to get an hour of sleep before he wakes up again. And I can’t even moan at anyone tomorrow, or act like a b*tch, or start complaining that I’m tired. Because a good nights’ sleep was offered to me ON A PLATE! And I didn’t take it! Like a fool. Like a DAMN FOOL!
And the worrying thing is that I’m starting work next month. I’ll be doing full-time training and there’s a good chance that he will have to stay at someone’s house at some point. So what am I going to do then? Am I going to have an anxiety attack when I’m at work? Am I going to start crying like a sap? Seriously, I need to get my sh*t together.
I know that he’s my baby and I’m supposed to be attached to him. But I also know that by being so bloody clingy now; I am setting myself up for bigger problems in the future. And if you see any stupid Twitter or Facebook statuses from me at 3 AM complaining that I’m awake and I’m tired – just tell me to shut up, because it did not have to be this way tonight and my brain wants to punch my heart in its face.