I end up in some really (literally) crappy situations thanks to my two little monsters. You honestly couldn’t make it up! When sh*ts going down, I like to voice note my friends – because I want them to know what I’m going through and it usually makes them laugh. Sometimes I can’t even believe some of the scenarios I find myself in. So here it is, for your enjoyment – word for word, a copy of the voice note:
Alright, want to hear a story?
So I sit ‘Toddler A’ on the toilet before her bath, she does a wee. Then I’m like “Your stomach is really hard, I think you should try and do a poo.”
Toddler A: “No, No! I want to get off. I want to get off. I want to get in the bath.”
Cool. I put her in the bath, and then I thought you know what, i’ll quickly go for a wee.
I come back in the bathroom… THERE IS POO FLOATING AROUND IN THE BATH (f*ck’s sake).
So I take her out and put her on the toilet and she continues doing her poo there. Then i’m there in the bathroom with the cup trying to catch the floating poo. Caught it in the cup, put that to one side.
Then I’m washing all the toys, wash out the bath, run a new bath, put they toys back in, take her off the toilet, wipe her, put her back in the bath.
Then… (laughs) as I go to pour the cup with the poo down the toilet; where I have taken her out of the bath the floor is wet. So I have now slipped, the cup with the poo has gone up in the air. I was like “ooohh my god!”
So i’ve cleaned all that up, washed my hands and that. Gone to check on baby J, I thought ‘he’s quiet’ so I picked him up. HE HAS SHIT OUT OF HIS NAPPY, OUT OF HIS VEST, IT’S ALL IN HIS TRACKSUIT BOTTOMS.
“I cannot BELIEVE this is happening!”
So, I clean him up, get rid of the clothes and the poo. And then I think ‘you know what f*ck it, i’ll just put him in the bath with his sister.’
I wash him, take him out of the bath. She’s still in there playing. The MINUTE I take him out of the bath, what does he do? Vomits all down himself!
Like…. SERIOUSLY?! Seriously.