Normally, despite my flaws I think I’m a pretty good mum. I do really try. And my children ALWAYS come first. But this week needs reflecting on because I have been appalling in my opinion. So if I call myself out on it publicly.. I’m pretty sure none if this will ever happen again.
1. I sent her searching for something I knew she’d NEVER find.
I’m sorry but I NEEDED to rest for like 5 minutes, I WAS ILL. My daughter is proper full on ALL THE TIME. At first I was like “Oh go and find the donkey in your room” thinking we totally don’t have any donkey in this house and then she comes back 12 seconds later with… A FUCKING DONKEY!
Who bought her that????!!! (I had to think quick) and with my best acting ability I went on to say “Oh silly mummy! I didn’t mean the donkey I meant the… ants. Go in your room and find the ants in your room so we can play with them.” (I’m evil)
The next thing I remember is waking up about 30 minutes later. I jumped out of my skin thinking how could I have fallen asleep!!! I really didn’t mean to I just wanted like 5 minutes without being jumped on or interrogated. Baby J had fallen asleep next to me and ‘A’ came in with her hands on her hips “WE DON’T HAVE ANY ANTS MUMMY!”
“Oh really?! They must have escaped! Never mind!”
Bless her she had actually searched her whole room! I’m impressed that a three-year-old could stick to one task for that long. I felt mean but I really was desperate! There’s only so much of this broken sleep business that I can take. And most of the time I parent HARD. Look at me trying to justify my actions.
2. I “FORGOT” to take her to the toilet.
I say forgot but that isn’t strictly true. Initially I forgot. Then the thought did enter my mind as we were getting into the car but it had taken SOOO much time and effort to get them out the door on time that I just thought… She’ll be OK. It’s less than an hour to our destination. She’ll be fine. SHE WAS NOT FINE.
As soon as we got out of the car, in a place we’ve never been to… she was yelling “I need to go ‘torlet’, I need to go ‘torlet’!” Ah shit… I was looking around frantically but not knowing where the hell I was, I couldn’t see anything that looked like it might have a toilet. And I knew I had MAX 90 seconds to find a solution. Well I can’t let her wet herself. So I just had to whip down her pants and let her pee in the street, whispering “you are ONLY doing a wee right?! Not a poo!”. I prayed HARD. I think I would have collapsed if she had decided to poo at that moment. I would have literally caught it in my hand, put it my pocket and then fainted. Luckily it was only a wee. There wasn’t even a tree to hide behind… nothing. It was SO embarrassing. People just staring… probably judging me. TBF I deserved to be embarrassed. I should have just done my bloody job probably in the first place and took her to the toilet before leaving the house.. how could I forget that? That’s BASIC parenting. It’s the fact that I remembered at the car and then still didnt go back that makes me want to punch myself in the face. What if she had wet herself? I don’t even think I had packed spare clothes. Absolute knob of a woman I am sometimes.
3. Both of my children went to bed crying tonight.
No I didn’t beat them. And I would never. But was it my fault? I have no fucking idea. My daughter normally goes to bed like an absolute angel so when she threw a tantrum about not wanting to go to bed… I was taken aback.
I sort of just see things in black and white… It’s bed time so… you go to bed. I don’t understand what she was expecting. So I just explained that when mummy says its bedtime, that means its bedtime. I put her in her bed, kissed her salty cheek and left the room. I could hear her screaming “I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MMMMUUUUMMMMMMMMYYYY!” (I thought she’d just stop after a minute due to the fact she had been at nursery since 8.30am so she was DEFINITELY tired.) But she didn’t, I hate hearing her scream.
I then put baby J in his bed and he started protesting! Probably just copying his sister but then they were just going back to back! Every time one stopped shouting… the other one started and would remind the first one that they were pissed off as well and they would start yelling again. WHAT THE HELL?! I can’t be in two places at once! So what do I do… let them both stay up? And then they’ll just do the same thing every night if they know it works. In the end, I went to ‘A’s room (as she was the instigator and I KNOW she understands) and gave her a few stern words. And possibly told her that SHE was making baby J was cry. Not sure, the words just sort of fell out. I hate that she went to sleep having been told off. That’s not how I roll but I couldn’t see any other solution. I tried to be nice to her and that didn’t work so I had to try a different approach. Luckily she quieted down and then baby J did too. Otherwise I don’t know what plan C would have been. They are both now asleep. And what am I doing? Sitting here writing about how awful I am for making them cry.
I seriously need to get a grip.
NOTE TO SELF:
Shaney – you have had a rough week. You were exhausted, not feeling well and emotionally drained from recent events. You STILL took your kids to see Ben and frickin Holly at the theatre. You still sang your heart out at library club. You still fed, washed and entertained them (even if it did involve imaginary ants). Next week will be better as long as you:
- Make sure you sleep when you can. Like NOW for example. Get off the computer!
- Stick a sign on the front door saying “DOES SHE NEED THE TOILET?!”. And then another one on the car saying “NO SERIOUSLY. TAKE HER TO THE TOILET YOU TWIT”
- Avoid leaving your child at nursery for the maximum amount of time. But if you have to then make sure she only eats, baths and then goes STRAIGHT to bed before she can go into CRAZY SCREAMING TROLL MODE.
- Don’t put the blame on your daughter. Ever again.
Am I bitch or what? I think I have been this week. But I also think I’ve learned. And I’m sorry.